You may be spending far too many of your present moments in efforts to win the approval of others, or in being concerned with some disapproval that you have encountered. If approval has become a need in your life, then you have some work to do.
You can begin by understanding that approval-seeking is a desire rather than a necessity. We all enjoy applause, compliments and praise. It feels good when we are mentally stroked. Who would want to give this up?
Well, there’s no need to. Approval in itself is not unhealthy; in fact, adulation is deliciously pleasurable. Approval-seeking is an erroneous zone only when it becomes a need rather than a want.
If you want the approval, you are simply happy to have the endorsement of other people. But, if you need it, you are going to collapse if you don’t get it.
That’s when the self-destructive forces move in. Similarly, when approval-seeking becomes a need, you give up a chunk of yourself to the “outside person” whose advocacy you must have. If they disapprove, then you are immobilized (even in a small way).
In such a case, you have chosen to wear your self-worth
on your sleeve for someone to rub or not rub as they see fit. You feel good inside
only if they decide to administer some praise to you.
The need for approval of another person is bad enough, but the real trouble comes with the need for the approval of everyone for every act. If you carry around such a need, then you are bound for a great deal of misery and frustration in your life. Moreover, you will be incorporating a wishy-washy non-person self-image that will result in the kind of self-rejection.
The need for approval must go! No question marks here. It must be eradicated from your life if you are to gain personal fulfillment. Such need is a psychological dead end, with absolutely no benefits accruing to you.
It is impossible to go through life without incurring a great deal of disapproval. It is the way of humanity, the dues you pay for your “aliveness,” something that simply cannot be avoided.
There was a middle-aged man who fit into the classic approval-needing mentality. He had a set of beliefs on all controversial subjects, including abortion, birth control, war in the Middle East, Watergate, politics and everything else. Whenever he encountered scorn he came unglued.
He spent a great deal of his energy in getting everyone to sanction him for everything that he said and did. He related an incident with his father-in-law, in which he stated that he firmly believed in mercy killing, and he noticed his father-in-law wrinkling his brow in censure.
Instantly, almost reflexively, he modified his position…. “What I meant was, if someone is conscious and actually asks to be killed, then mercy killing is O.K.” He noticed his listener was in agreement and he breathed a little easier.
With his boss he also declared his belief in mercy killing, but here he received a vociferous disagreement…. “How can you even say such a thing? Don’t you know that’s playing God?” He could not tolerate such repudiation, he quickly shifted into a new stance…. “What I meant was, only in extreme cases, when a patient is declared legally dead, then it’s all right to pull the plug.” Finally, his boss acquiesed, and he was once more off the hook.
With his brother he announced his position on mercy killing and he received an instant concurrence…. “Whew.” That was easy for him, he didn’t even have to change in order to get his brother to approve of him.
All of these examples were provided by him as he related his normal way of interacting with others. He travels in his social circles with no mind of his own, and his need for commendation is so strong that he constantly shifts his position in order to be liked. Only the happenstance reactions of others which determine not only how he feels, but also what he thinks and says as well. He is whatever others want him to be.
When approval-seeking is a need, the possibilities for truth are all but wiped away. If you must be lauded, and you send out those kinds of signals, then no one can deal with you straight. Nor can you state with confidence what it is that you think and feel at any present moment of your life.
Your self is sacrificed to the opinions and predelictions of others.
Politicians as a class are generally not trusted. Their need for approval is prodigious. Without it they are out of work.
Therefore, they often seem to speak out of both sides of their mouths, saying this to please Group A, and that to win the approbation of Group B. There can be no truth when the speaker is shifty and moves around the issues with a skillful kind of manuevering that is designed to please everyone. Behavior like this is easy to spot in politicians, but more difficult to see in ourselves.
Perhaps you’ve “cooled-it” in order to placate someone or you’ve found yourself agreeing with someone whose disfavor you fear. You knew you would be unhappy if you were censured, so you modified your behavior to avoid it.
It is tough to handle rebuking and easier to adopt behavior that will bring approval. But when you take this easy way, you’re making others’ opinions of you more important than your own self-assessments. It’s a vicious trap—and a difficult one to escape in our society.
In order to escape the bear trap of approval-seeking, which gives others’ opinions control over you, it is important to examine the factors that foster the approval-seeking need.
Jettison approval-seeking behaviour and you will achieve equilibrium (life stability) in your mind, almost always.
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