An Orange and a Candle

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Think for a minute about an orange. When you squeeze it as hard as you can, what comes out? Orange juice, of course. But the question is, why does juice come out when an orange is squeezed? The answer is, because that is what’s inside.
 

Now, does it matter who does the squeezing? Does it matter how you do it, what instrument you use, or what time of the day you do it? No. When you squeeze an orange, what always comes out is what’s inside. Similarly, when you squeeze a person—that is, put pressure on them of any kind—and anger and hatred and stress and depression come out, it isn’t because of who is doing the squeezing or when they do it or how they choose to do it. It’s because that is what’s inside that person.

If you don’t have it inside, it can never come out, no matter what your circumstances are. When somebody cuts you off on the freeway and you’re mad as hell, it isn’t because they cut you off that you’re so upset; it’s because that is what you carry around inside. And when you stop carrying that around inside, nothing that anybody does can upset you. I love this quote that’s been attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
 

In other words, no one can depress you. No one can make you anxious. No one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside.
 

Whoever you are, you have a voice in everything that is happening to you. You are creating it. If you’re not getting along with somebody at work, if you’re having difficulty in your relationships and feeling victimized, if your children don’t respect you, look at yourself first and ask, “What is it about me, and what can I change in order to help myself not feel victimized?” Don’t default to, “How can I get them to change? How can I make the world different?” Anything you hate, are annoyed by, or are angry about is really your own hatred, your own annoyance, and your own anger. That’s yours—you own it. 

 

Nobody else does.
It’s all on you alone.
 

When you blame somebody else for being annoying in your life, what you’re really saying is, “If only they were more like me, then I wouldn’t be so annoyed.” As you move along the path of enlightenment, however, something interesting happens: 

 

When you encounter the people who behave toward you in ways you used to call annoying, you view it as their problem. You don’t own it any longer. You now respond with ability toward those who are behaving in ways you don’t like. You learn to tell yourself, “They are who they are, and they’re behaving in the only way that they know how to behave right now. So what I will do is this: I will respond to them with what I am. And what I am is love, kindness, and acceptance. If I have that, then I can deal with anyone else’s behavior effectively, or I can ignore it. Either way, I don’t own it; they do.” It has nothing to do with whether or not you have problems. It has to do with your attitude toward problems.

You see, my personal evolution has brought me to the point of understanding that each and every one of us must take total responsibility for our own inner development. And our inner development is something we ignore a lot as we go through life.

Imagine a lit candle: if you were to walk outside with it, the wind would blow out the flame pretty quickly. Likewise, there are all kinds of outside forces you are going to encounter in life that may make you feel as if your inner candle—which symbolizes who you are as a human being—is getting blown out all the time.

But in fact, you can ensure that your inner flame never even flickers. Outside of you, any number of things can and will happen that you’re not in control of: the storms of life, taking the form of illness or an accident or any other unforeseen event, may strike at any moment.

Your inner candle flame, though, is uniquely yours. You can always process your world in a way that serves you, rather than in a way that alienates or destroys you. And perhaps the highest place you can get to in life is to understand that your own inner development, symbolized by that candle flame, can stay strong and bright regardless of what’s going on out there. Again, I return to the notion of ownership: It is empowering to realize that whatever is going on inside you is entirely up to you. It is all yours.

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