How Do You Allow Yourself to Be Treated?

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Here’s a simple little maxim: You get treated the way you teach people to treat you. So if you don’t like the way you’re being treated by someone in your life, look at how you’ve taught them to treat you.
 

Self-defeating people see reality for what it is, but they don’t want to accept it. They wish it were different, and they complain about it: “If only you were more like me, then I wouldn’t have to be upset at you right now. If only you were something different from what you are, I could be happier in my life.

 

 If only oil prices hadn’t gone up, if only unemployment weren’t the way it is, if only, if only . . .” They look at the world and come to the conclusion that they should blame somebody else. You can tell by the vocabulary they use, by the very words that come out of their mouths. They say things like, “Please don’t bother me. I can’t—I’m having an anxiety attack.”

Now, there is no creature known as anxiety in the world, and it sure as hell doesn’t attack. There are only people thinking anxiously at any given minute in their lives. And if you can learn how not to think anxiously, regardless of the situation, you can handle anything. Rising prices, taxes, unemployment, losing a job, your children disappointing you, somebody getting sick, someone close to you dying, someone flipping out and not doing things that you want them to do, the stove breaking, all the things that come along with being human—if you can learn how to deal with them, then when a crisis comes along, you’ll have prepared yourself to handle it rather than be a victim because of it. If you are always shocked and taken aback, upset over things that happen in the world and wishing that they were different, then you are not responding with ability.

No blame is allowed for anything that goes on in your life. If you get pushed around, if you feel victimized, if you don’t know how to deal with certain situations, if you find yourself being beaten down, if you find that your children or your parents are disrespectful toward you, if you can’t do well in a particular class, if you think that your boss is on your case, whatever it may be—you are teaching others how to treat you.

I once had a client tell me how miserable she was because she was married to an alcoholic. I asked, “So what’s wrong?” She said, “He slurs his words, he repeats himself, he smells bad, and it’s so awful to be around him.” I replied, “Let’s see if I understand. Let’s see who’s crazy in this little scenario you described. You said you’re married to an alcoholic, and he slurs his words and repeats himself and smells bad and sounds foolish—every alcoholic I’ve ever known does exactly that. We’ve got someone who is doing everything that you would expect an alcoholic to do. Then we’ve got you, and you’re married to someone you call an alcoholic, expecting him to be sober. Now who’s crazy, the alcoholic who’s doing what he’s supposed to, or you, who’s expecting someone to be something different from what he is?

“He is what he is! Why would you want to keep thoughts in your mind that are making you miserable, which is going to expand the misery in your life by just having those thoughts there? Why not change around those thoughts and tell yourself that if you argue for your misery, then the only thing you’re going to get is your misery. You have to get that you’re arguing for it all the time. You’re going around talking about how miserable you are—because you have allowed it. Change begins with you, not your husband.”

Much like I told my client, I suggest that no matter the challenge you’re facing—whatever it is you find yourself incapable of doing, whatever obstacle you have encountered, whatever it is in your relationship that isn’t working, or whatever is happening in your career—you examine what belief is supporting this behavior. Since the ancestor to every action is a belief or a thought, you can work on changing all of it.

I’ve done that so many times in my own life. For example, for many years I played tennis every day. I grew up with the belief that I couldn’t hit a backhand, and I told myself that fallacy for a very long time. But then I began to change that belief around. It wasn’t only that I practiced harder; rather, I began to visualize myself doing all the things that it takes to make a backhand work for me. I began to do that with a drop shot as well, instead of telling myself I can’t hit a drop shot and then acting out on that. I’m no longer willing to tell myself that I’ll never hit a drop shot or I’ll never hit a lob or I’ll never try a spin serve or whatever.

If you keep telling yourself that you cannot do something, you’ll act on that belief. Whether it is improving your tennis game or something bigger, change around your thought. See yourself doing and having the very best in life—you’ll find that as you think, so shall you be.

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